THE DISTANCE

2010-06-20T23:46:00.003-05:00

Feel like I’m going nuts here. So much happening, so much I feel behind on. It’s another Fathers day and I feel anything but a good father. In my attempts to “provide” I can’t say I’ve made the best decisions. I’ve taken on extra work, my wife and I both have, but braces for twins, a crashed computer, 18 year old dryer that finally blew up, and needed auto repair have left me feeling like my head is no longer above water. Each month I never know if I’m going to make the house payment, which is already behind. I can’t really turn to anyone, so I have to just get it all out here, so I can carry on. I can’t let up, can’t falter. My family is depending on me to do what I can, as little as it may seem at this time, it is all that I can do.

Sometimes, I find myself wishing for a nice self absorbed mid-life crisis, trying to prove to myself and everyone around me I “still have it.” The truth is, I never had “it”, and I would gladly trade ‘it’ for my girls to have their braces and a dresser that wasn’t so cheep that the drawers didn’t keep falling out.

I guess the thing is just put one foot ahead of the other. I’m told that God never sends you more than you can handle. If that’s true then I really don’t appreciate the testing of limits. Not today.

a quite place

2010-02-18T23:48:00.004-06:00

The problem I have with face book is everyone is on it. My friends, my family, my kids. I'm conscious of it. I'm careful what I put as to be polite. I try not give too much information. I know there are those who go on face book, and share every little secret or issue they are dealing with, and that's great for them. I guess I come back here every so often because anyone who may have know I have this site has forgotten it by now.

No pressure to show only what I want the people who know me to see. Things are tough enough, without my kids seeing me frustrated. They see that enough already.

You'll have to excuse me I use to do this more often and much better, but tonight I feel like rambling.

I'll always have humility.

2008-11-09T23:10:00.004-06:00

Ok, it would help if I could do this frequently enought so that I don't keep forgetting my own password to get into this acct.

If I had any pride it might have been hurt this weekend. Turns our Walmart doesn't want me.

Let me explain, If you know me, (and if you've read anything on this site, then you know me better than most) you know I was out of work for some time a few years ago. I did find a job, then forgot how to write. The job I found has been a blessing for me and my family and is still going strong, and in this economy that is good news.

These past couple of years have been pretty quite, the only big events being the purchase of a new van (the old one was over a decade old and costing more in repair a month than the cost of a new one) and moving to a new house. (Turns out three girls dont do well with one sink and a single toilet. ) Problem was my wife lost her job just after we closed on the new house. (doh!)

Anyway back in January I took a parttime job at the local Walmart, working nights and weekends. The schedule was flexable and we needed the extra income. It was also kind of fun, no where near the stress of my day job. Just like in highschool. If you've ever seen the movie "American Beauty" where Kevin Spacy takes the job at a burger joint like he had as a kid, after he quits his highly demanding job.

Only, my wife wasn't running around on me, and there was no hot blonde chasing me, and I didn't buy a sports car, and no one has pointed a gun to my head............... OK, my life is nothing like that move. Bad example, nevermind. Lets just say it was low stress, and decent extra income.

I stayed there seven months but left when my wife was offered the oppertunity of being able to work more hours from home. I would need to be home more to help out around the house and take care of the kids at night so she could work more. Unfortunatly that only lasted a few weeks and we were back where we started. I put it off for a while but went back this weekend, figuring since I left on good terms, I could get my old parttime job back. Turns out they no longer have the shift I use to work. So much for flexable hours. Said they need someone to come in at six pm, problem is I don't get off job #1 untill 5:30. It's too far between the two to make that time.

Guess I'll figure something else out.

Here and Now

2008-06-27T00:44:00.003-05:00

It's funny how I keep coming back here. I haven't posted in a long time but pull up the site from time to time. I originally started this site because i needed an outlet. I was the unemployed Dad with too much time on his hands. Then I became the employed dad with no time on his hands. Still needing the outlet but so many things took president.

So many times I've thought about coming back here, but never being able to focus on what needed to be said. In the end I think that was my roadblock. I thought I needed to make a statement. I was worrying about the destination instead of working on the journey.

In other words I need to ramble on a bit more. That's how I started.

Blog; hold the spam!

2006-01-05T13:38:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't posted for a long time. A whole lota life has gotten the way. But who are these Blogspamers, that keep dumping on my comments.

If you have an intelligent comment, great.

If you have an unintelligent comment, that's fine too, I'll probably relate better to that.

But your wasting your time and my blogspace by putting an add here. I ain' t buy'n.

Time

2005-07-25T14:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, time.

The stuff I don't got!

My work needs my time.
My wife needs my time.
My yard outgrows my time.
My kids demand my time.

Heck, even Harry Potter stole some of my time.

It's the last few weeks before school starts, and I'm running out of time, and money for school clothes, and supplies.

If time truly is money, no wonder I keep running out of it.

Seems as it was just a few months ago I had too much time and was praying for a job. Now, I'm just trying just to find a few minutes of quite.

It's that old saying: It is not about gettng what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

Gotta go now.

I'm out of time.

Father's day haul!

2005-06-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

Yes it is again, that time when I have no time!

But I did have a great Father's Day:
The Haul:

Two t-shirts, and a new cap "Worlds Greatest Dad" ( Sorry guy, but I have the cap now so it is official), a really big frosty from Wendy's, and finally, two DVD's, "miracle" and "Signs".

We also played a heated game of Clue, (it was Mr. Plum, in the library, with a knife)

The evening was topped off with a Dad's night out. Myself and two neighbors went to see the new Batman movie. It was a very cool flick.

Can't get much better than that.

Hope everyone else had a good Father's day.

After all it is the only Holiday when we don't have to remember to get something for someone else.

Keeping Cool

2005-06-07T00:19:00.000-05:00

I hate to admit it but summer is here!

Last Saturday it was in the 90’s here in Texas. The asphalt was bubbling, and farm animals were bursting in to flames.

Of course my kids had been stuck inside all week, so Saturday afternoon, they really wanted to play outside. This lasted about 5 minutes. Long enough for them to feel the mid day heat, and come right back in. Now they could complain about two things; how hot it was, AND that they wanted to go outside.

I had the brilliance to go to Target and buy 3 super soakers.

I learned 3 important things that day

1. Never be the "nice" dad and offer to take the small water pistol. You will run out of water more frequently, and the little rats will drench you while you refill.

2. Little girls are very devious. Don’t fall for the old "Daddy you got water in my eye" routine. They’ll nail you when your guard is down every time.

3. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, turn the garden hose on them full blast, (at least when mom is close enough to her their screams.) There's a very strong chance she will not come to terms with your justification in using such a Weapon of Mass Drenching. (WMD)

The up side is they got out of the house and played, and I did not suffer heat stroke.

Not a bad day after all.

2005-05-22T00:27:00.000-05:00

Those who have been here before know my love of the cheesy movie. So I’m sure you’re not surprised when I tell you I did see the new Star Wars movie Thursday night. Two of my neighbors and myself convinced our wives to let us out of the house to finish something that we each started some twenty-eight years ago.
No don’t worry, I’m not going into any kind of review of the film. You guys are smart enough to know if you’ll like it or not. There will be enough places to find reviews, spoilers, and talkback. I don’t need to add to any of that media hype.
If you’re like me, whether you’ll like or not, isn’t the real issue. You’ll just need to see it.

I did like it by the way.

AND NO! I DID NOT GO DRESSED AS A WOOKIE! Unless wookies run around in cargo shorts and a bright Hawaiian shirt. (I did need a haircut though!)

I have to admit that over the past few weeks; with all the media building up to this movie, I’ve wondered why I’m still drawn to these movies. With everything I have to address in my life, why was this movie such a big deal.

I got my answer in the first 10 seconds of the movie. As the familiar STAR WARS logo flashed, superimposed on a field of stars, and the familiar theme music started to play, I found myself forgetting all the worries, concerns, and obligations of adulthood. Instead I could feel myself returning back to the 11, year old boy who saw the first of these films, on a warm night, at the local drive in theater.

When you really think about it, that’s not such a bad place to be.

Still alive, but w/pc burnout!

2005-05-19T12:55:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm doing good to get one post a month. Between work and the last few weeks of school our life is pretty packed. Plus I've been spending 8-9 hours a day looking at a computer, the last thing I want to do when I get home is get back on a key board.

I do have something to brag about though. My twins both scored 100's on their end of year spelling and math test, and though they are just finishing 1st grade, they are on a 3rd grade reading level. (See, I knew those 8 months off work, I spent reading with them would pay off.)
I'm really proud of them, and willingly concede they get their smarts from thier mom.

Well, breaks over, need to get back. Maybe I can get back to once a week post. Maybe!

Diamonds in the rough

2005-04-19T12:56:00.000-05:00

My wife first met Will at my daughter’s 1st grade class Easter egg hunt. Any time you get several dozen seven and eight year olds together you're going to have chaos. This hunt was no exception. Kids were everywhere scrambling for Easter eggs. In all the action one little girl was knocked down, her basket spilling eggs on the ground all around her. She was sitting alone on the ground, crying, and trying to pick her eggs up before other kids snatched them up for themselves. In a moment when every other child was trying to get as much as they could find; one little boy dropped his basket and rushed to help her, and calm her tears. Before my wife could get there, the little boy had worked frantically to get all the spilled candy back into her basket, the whole time pleading with her “Don’t cry, I’ll help, don’t cry.”

Later on, my wife was commenting to my daughter’s teacher, how kind the little boy had acted. The teacher replied that little Will (not his real name), was an amazingly compassionate boy considering the “environment” he lived in. Then, realizing what she had just said, she quickly excused herself.

A week later my daughter informed us that Will had told her that the police had come to his house the previous night. Before they came in, his Mommy had told him to lie, but when the police officer asked him to tell the truth, he did. What he told the officer, I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know. Will did tell my daughter that he and his 3 year-old-brother were staying with a new family now.

I keep thinking of how fast he came to the aid of the little girl at the egg hunt, how concerned he was that she not cry; how he had tried to take care of her. I wonder how many times he had to take care of his little brother like that at home.

You can learn a lot from a child. A seven-year-old knows the basic truths. You help others. You don’t lie. You give comfort to those who need it. The amazing thing about this one little boy is that; himself, seemingly deprived of all these, still knew how to shine.

People spend millions of dollars on self help books, tapes, and seminars. We argue that our faults are not ours; we’re a product of how others treat us. We go the ends of the earth to find our purpose, and search for the meaning of God’s will.

God’s Will, is on a playground helping another child with her Easter basket.

Sometimes that may be as far as we need to look.

A.W.O.B.

2005-03-30T11:35:00.000-06:00

A.W.O.B.

That’s absent without blogging.

I don’t even have time to sleep!

The training on my new job has increased dramatically. I’m getting to the point where I’m reviewing in my sleep. And like I said I don’t get much time to do that.

Spring break came and went. We were able to send all three girls to their grandparents in Tulsa for a few days. Now I know what you’re thinking……. and your right.

Honey do’s

Or as my wife likes to call them “projects”. Wallpaper border in the girls bathroom, repaint the twins room, rearrange the furniture, and finally, repaint and put up border in our bathroom. All this along with the normal patching, painting, and fixing that has to be done to a house with a bunch of kids bouncing of the walls. You can always tell who made the mark by the damage done.

A scrape three-feet high, means a seven-year-old with a backpack

A gouge two-feet high, means a two-year-old with Barney banjo.

A crayon mark four-foot high, means my wife takes away my crayons.

I did break one of my rules last week though. I bought the twins a PS2. I’ve always been a little wary of introducing them to these games, because they do so good to spend their free time reading, coloring and writing stories, and generally healthy playing. I gave it to them with the understanding that they can’t spend all day playing it, they have to go outside, and all homework and reading come first. They are doing pretty good.

Lets hope their father can resist temptation as well.

Breaks over, gotta go learn stuff!

More Cheese Please!

2005-03-11T23:46:00.000-06:00

I have a confession. I love cheese!

NO, not the Swiss kind, although I am very fond of pepper jack.
I’m talking the cinematic kind. I love cheesy movies, high-class cheese, of course. I’m not too big on gore, chainsaw, and slasher movies. I lean more toward action / adventure cheese, comedy cheese, and monster cheese.

Movies like:
Young Frankenstein
The Blues Brothers
Blazing Saddles
Army of darkness
Mystery Men
Most Godzilla movies.
Anything associated with, Ray Harryhausen.
Forbidden Planet (That’s adapted Shakespeare’s "Tempest" cheese)

And of course the Greatest, action, fantasy, kung fu, trucking movie of all time, "Big Trouble in Little China"

These are the movies that have at lease half a dozen good lines in them, that you can take with you throughout life.

Like; "Abby Normal", "The new Oldsmobile’s are in early this year." And the classic, "I’m here to chew bubble gum and kick a_ _; and I’m all out of bubble gum."

You may be wondering what has me on this little binge. It seems our local cultural Mecca; (Wal-Mart) is moving out the video store that had leased out the front of the Super Center. All current rentals were shipped to other stores in the video chain, but all previously viewed movies were marked down very, very, very cheap.

Needless to say in a moment of weakness I succumbed to the discount, thereby broadening my DVD collection, and reaffirming my wife’s opinion, that deep down I truly am a geek. (Unfortunately for her, our children show very similar tendencies. The twins can already hum the theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark", and my two-year-old can stomp through a Lego city, with grace and efficiency.)

I’m always on the lookout for more flicks, to satisfy my need for good "B" movies.

What are some of your favorites?

A Responce

2005-03-05T01:03:00.000-06:00

I recently got an anonymous e-mail from someone suggesting that if I wanted to have a successful "Dad Blog" I needed to follow a more structured format. I needed to decide if I wanted to focus on humor, or a more informative style.

Well now, …………..

I don’t know if "The Distance" truly qualifies as a "dad blog". It’s mostly filled with the internal combustion of my mind. Of course, most of that is a result of being a Dad and Husband.

"The Distance" is about the constant balancing act of being in a family. (With a substantially slanted view point…….mine.) As you may have guessed, I’m neither deep enough, nor overly intelligent enough to be a political activist; championing the cause of fatherhood. I think that’s a great and noble calling. And, I’ve got to take my hat off to guys like REBELDAD who can do it all. These guys are more than capable to be an advocate for Dads, stay at home, or otherwise.

They are the Escalades of Fatherhood.

Myself on the other hand, would be the older model F-150, with high mileage and good intention.

"The Distance" is where I can unload my rants, worries, and occasional triumphs. My life, like anyone else, gets messy from time to time. This is just how I deal with it. As a result, my posts get a tad self-centered at times.

The reason I put all this out there is that maybe others may see a little of their own mess here. Maybe someone can take comfort in the knowledge that good and bad comes hand in hand to everyone. Yes, that much-needed job may come through, only to have to face $500.00 in auto repair. That anticipated tax refund might have to go toward paying medical expenses instead the few extras you had planned on getting.

Regardless of good fortune or ill, your family is core. Stay at home Dad / Mom, or single parent (whatever the case) you do what you do to take care of your family. "The Distance" is about making the best of the short time I have with my children. It’s about an imperfect guy, trying to be the best father / husband he can be.

I need a break!

2005-03-01T11:52:00.000-06:00

I seriously need a break!

As you probably have guessed from my absence of posts, I haven’t had a lot of time lately. I’m on break and had to blow off some steam. It is just one of those days where my head is anywhere other than where it should be. All day in training, I’ve been making stupid mistakes. Things I know how to do have just left me. And, it’s all just little stuff.

I’m sure the rest of the class would frown on me banging my head on the monitor, so I’ve tried to refrain for such physical exertions.

It doesn’t help that we just found out that a major test has been moved up to TOMMOROW!

You know the kind. Depending on how well you do on it will determine on whether or not you show up for work the next day, or revamp you resume on Monster. (Yeah, no pressure!)

I know the systems, I know the products, I know I have my head up my ___. For some reason I'm out of sync today.

Oh well, I still have the rest of the day to get it right.

Lunch is over, back to work.

My kids should be on commission!

2005-02-16T23:19:00.000-06:00

My children are a marketing tool!

At least that’s what the schools must think.

If you’ve got kids in school you know exactly what I'm talking about. The schools use them to sell magazines and candy to help raise "funds" for school programs. It seems that every few months my kids bring home a new fundraiser for us to unleash on suspecting friends and neighbors.
Of course there is always an incentive for the child. If you sell 758 subscriptions you can choose from an assortment of "quality gifts". The glossy booklet shows pages of prizes. When looking through these slick catalogs, just remember sizes vary and quality means nothing. Once the prize comes in, you realize you could have gotten better stuff from a Happy Meal box.

At least then you wouldn’t be stuck with a years subscription of "Extreme Needlepoint".

Now, that’s just the schools. Outside activities are just as bad. In the past year my twins have sold:

*Cookies dough for Flag Football Cheerleading.
*Wrapping paper for Dance school.
*Candy bars for their soccer team.

And now that they are Girl Scout Brownies, I have cases and cases of Girl Scout cookies in my house, just waiting to be delivered. I mean THEY NEED TO BE DELIVERED SOON, or my wife will wake up one morning to find me lying on the floor, covered in empty Thin Mint boxes.

The worse to date came last Monday night. Both kids came home with blank postcard booklets, which the children were to "fill out" with the addresses of friends and family. These booklets were then to be returned to a magazine company where they will be sent out in the "child’s behalf" to these unsuspecting people who will probably buy something they don’t want, or need, out of sympathy for these two waifs and their beleaguered parents.

Don’t get me wrong! I don’t mean to be a grumpy old fart. (Though I often am.)

I always support school bond elections, when they come up. I collect box tops. I pitch in to buy supplies for the teacher. I usually spend more than I need to at the school's book fair. (Cause you can’t spoil a kid by giving them a book!) I‘ve even helped chaperon school field trips.

All I ask is that I get my kids progress report in their backpack, at least as often as I get a new fund raiser promotion.

I know, I know!

2005-02-02T23:22:00.000-06:00

I know it has been a week and half since my last post. But, the good news is I'm still employed. My training has had me busy studying night and day.

Hey! This work stuff takes up a lot of time, you know!

On top of all that, the Night Stalker has been making an appearance lately, Usually around Midnight the terrifying two-year-old decides to party, and guess who is invited? There is nothing like sitting through a four hour lecture, running on three hours of sleep.

Repeat after me, "caffeine is your friend!"

Sorry if this is all too boring, and frantic, but I haven't had time for much of anything.

I pray you all are doing well, and keep the good thoughts coming my way!

Thanks.

Here Goes Everything!

2005-01-23T23:47:00.000-06:00

I start my new Job on Monday.

In a lot of ways I’m really ready to get back to work. My family needs me back at work. Financially, and emotionally I need to be back at work. That being said, I have to admit I’m more than a little nervous stepping back into the corporate world again.

I’ve been sending out resumes, making calls and going on interviews for eight months now. And all that time, I’ve been telling myself that relief is just around the corner. I assured myself that THE GREAT JOB is just the next resume away. At least that is what I always hoped. The fact is, one of the things that keeps you going in the face of hardship is hope. You tell yourself that when these clouds clear away, things will be better. You construct detailed scenarios where all the stress, worries, and hard times, are justified by the prosperity of your newfound good fortune.

The truth is, there is very seldom any justification for hardship.

There is, however, the opportunity to learn an appreciation for the things you once took for granted. Many years ago, before I was married, I kept a journal in the hopes of someday being a writer. I never did become a writer, but last spring I learned what a BLOG was. In an effort to maintain my sanity, I picked up an old habit, and started writing again. Along the way I’ve met some amazing, talented and very kind individuals in this blogging community. (See links side bar for just a few!)

I can also say that I won’t take work for granted anymore. Just a few short years ago; as I flew across Texas reviewing offices under my supervision, I never though twice about my ability to provide for my family.

Now, I am literally starting over.
And, I’m truly thankful for this opportunity.

Well guys, wish me luck, and a few prayers wouldn’t hurt either.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

?

2005-01-20T19:06:00.000-06:00

I seem to be getting quite a bit more hits per day this past week. I’m not sure why, but I appreciate the company. If someone new has linked to my site I would like to know whom, so I could return the kindness, (that’s just the kind of guy I am.)

Do me a favor guys, let me know how you found me.

(Otherwise my paranoia might get the best of me.)

P S A

2005-01-17T01:19:00.000-06:00

Any one living in the same house with small children needs to go buy a snake. No not the slithering kind. I’m talking the kind of snake you can buy at Lowes in the pluming department.

There will come a time (for example: Sunday night at 12:10) when you will not know what was flushed, nor how much. But all you know is that the plunger won’t work, and Mr. plumber is on vacation. Do you make that call to the 24-hour plumbing service that will ultimately cost you $16,000.00?

No you don’t my friend; because you listened to my words.

It’s not pretty. It smells funny after a few uses.

Yet, it may be your toilets last hope.

Solid Ground

2005-01-11T23:16:00.000-06:00

Lately, I find myself struggling to find focus. The holidays, while a welcome distraction, also can serve as a reminder of trouble times. And, with the onset of a New Year many, including myself, find themselves reflecting on the past year. Amid the recollections of good times and the not so good times, I have lately found my self caught up in the, woulda, coulda, and shoulda, of overcritical self-anilization. (Yeah, I know big surprise.”)

Now, I’d like to tell you that I’m at peace with this past year, but I can’t. If you’ve read much on my site you’d know I would be lying. Besides, I’m not sure it is in my nature to just be at peace. I should be overjoyed that I’ve got a job offer, but the fact that the start date has been pushed back several times, leaves my wife and myself with more that a little concern. It’s hard for her to contain her fears and frustration. Emotional tolerance can only be pushed so far. And, there are so many questions I can’t answer right now.

I am struggling to do my best.

The struggle is what gets to me. It’s the constant, one step forward and two steps back. It affects my relationship with my wife, my children, neighbors, and friends at church. I find myself avoiding longtime friends, just so I won’t have to answer any questions about “the job situation.” And sometimes; like a bucket of cold water, I can really hear myself get frustrated at my kids over things that honestly don’t deserve that kind of energy.

I have become a Grumpy Old Ass.

That’s not who I use to be. That’s not the relationship I want with my children. That’s not the man my wife deserves. At times like this, it’s very easy to get wrapped up in pride and self pity. Again, I would be lying if I said I have been above that. And, I’m sure that has made our situation at times worse than it needed to be.

Putting it all down here helps me to step out side of the situation. It helps me find my perspective: a solid
place to stand.

(Q) What bothers me the most?

(A) The thought of letting my family down.

(Q) Does my current mental and emotional (pity parade) in any way help my family?

(A) NO!

So what’s the solution?

The family is the solution. The more I can focus on them, the less time I have to feel sorry for myself. A seven-year-old needs stability, love, and the reassurance that someone will be there to help them get back up if they fall. They need a steady hand to guide them, and help them see that bad times don’t last forever. I’m guessing the same consideration goes for a spouse.

Too many times I get frustrated because I don’t have all the answers. Maybe I’m not supposed to know everything. Maybe the answers to the problems facing most families are to be found in the family itself. Maybe it just comes down to faith; faith in God, faith in each other, and finally (and most difficult for some) faith in ourselves.

Of course, as always, I’m just winging it here.

A New Start

2005-01-03T16:49:00.000-06:00

The tree has been take down.

The ornaments are back in their boxes.

The mounds of trash bags, filled with brightly colored paper, and boxes have been pickup up at the curb.

I feel a little sad that all the holiday hoopla is over, yet at the same time I can collapse on the sofa with a big sigh of relief that it’s all over. Of course, I can’t stay on the couch too long, cause the day after New Years means "extreme make over home edition". Closets are thinned out for Good Will. Old toys are boxed up to make room for the ones Santa brought. And, the garage is cleaned out in the hope that I may some day fit at least one car in far enough to shut the door. All in the name of starting off the new year right.

Ah, yes! Happy Holidays.

Well, there is no sense in procrastination. It’s time to face the New Year, with new plans, new ideas, and a new sense of confidence in my parenting abilities. Take tonight for example. I found myself having a heated discussion with one of my daughters. It was regarding her stubborn reluctance in going to bed early, the night before she goes back to school. Toward the end of our little "talk" I told her she was acting childish. To which the seven-year-old replied, "I am a child."

Yeah,right! Well,…………just get to sleep then!

I think tomorrow would be a better day to start all that new attitude stuff anyway!

Our little secret!

2004-12-25T00:19:00.000-06:00

It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m listening to my new, BIG and RICH CD. Earlier tonight, before the girls went to bed we all watched THE SANTA CLAUSE 2. Afterwards, one of my daughters said "Dad I wish you were Santa Claus."

Well, it’s a little past midnight and I’ve got children’s table, two chairs, the Barbie Musical Castle, and a little tike’s kitchen left to put together tonight. All I can say is, "be careful what you wish for baby girl, be very careful."

Merry Christmas to all the Mr. and Mrs. Claus’ out there up tonight keeping the magic alive for at least one more year.

You know It’s worth it.

The pocketknife

2004-12-20T23:40:00.000-06:00

When I was thirteen, I got a pocketknife for my birthday.

It was slim and small, but it had a really pretty rosewood handle with a locking back so it wouldn’t accidentally close.

Now, you’ve got to remember this was before the days of zero tolerance in schools. A pocketknife wasn’t considered a "weapon,"it was a valuable tool. On a really good day you could use it to cut fishing line, clean a fish, and eat an apple. Sometimes all within a twenty-minute period, which was OK, as long as you remembered to wipe the blade off on your pants leg in between uses. I learned never to underestimate the value of a good pocketknife.

The aforementioned birthday present came from my "uncle" Dale.

He wasn’t actually a blood relative but he had been my Mother’s boss, and one of my family’s closest friends since before I was born. When I was old enough to play Boy’s Club football, somehow he always ended up being the couch of whatever team I played on. Now, I was never a big kid but he always played me at center making sure I faced the biggest kid the other team had to offer. He taught me how to take a hit, and how to hold my own. I still got stomped on, but I learned never to be intimidated.
Dale, himself was barely over 5’6, but he was immensely strong, I remember his forearms being as big as a man’s calve. His hands were as strong as a wood shop vice. But his eyes always had a benevolent mischievous spark to them that instantly brought you in, and made you his friend.

When my dad was in the hospital, Dale was up there with him to watch sports. And after my Dad passed away, Dale and his wife were there for my Mother, and looked in on her when I couldn’t. For forty-one years he was the closest thing to a brother my mother had.

Last week cancer took his life. He left behind a wife, daughters , grandkids, and more friends than he will ever know. For me his passing leaves a huge void that I can only try to fill with a bunch of great memories and one really good pocketknife.

Something strange is going on!

2004-12-14T10:45:00.000-06:00

My two-year old is developing strange powers.

First, she no longer requires sleep at night. Instead she has been spending the deepest darkest part of the night removing all contents from her sisters bookshelf, or emptying her entire dresser on the floor of her room.

She also has achieved the power of invisibility. I can search the entire house for her, only to see her walk out of a room I KNOW I LOOKED THROUGH TWICE!

In addition she has developed a high-pitched sonic defense. And, when angered she can use it to send her sisters scrambling out of the room, and injuring the hearing of all dogs within a block.

Finally, I found her watching a biography of Alexander the Great on the History Channel, when I just know I had tuned the channel to "Blues Clues" a few minutes before.

Is your toddler showing similar signs?

What could they be planning, and doing late in the night?

The same thing they do every night "Pinky", try to take over the world!

Hit and miss

2004-12-10T01:02:00.000-06:00

It has really been tough to blog here lately. As you may or may not know I was laid off from work several months ago. Actually that’s how this site started. It has given me a way to vent. Now don’t get me wrong I love spending time with my kid, but our financial situation hasn’t been the greatest with just the single income of my wife’s job.

Anyway, after several months of sending in hundreds of resumes, and a number of interviews, I have finally received an offer letter. In fact, I was supposed to have started this past Monday, December 6. But, due to training schedule issues, my start day has been move to January 3. That is another month of unemployment. And, four months before health benefits kick in. I guess you could say the stress level around here has been really high. The frustration is also kicking in.

As a dad and husband I have always viewed my role as provider. But I haven’t been doing a real good job of that here lately. I have taken a part-time job. It may sound silly, but that really helps my morale. I just need to be doing something to make me feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I have my family looking to me, relying on me. They need to know everything will be all right, even if I’m not sure it will be all right. The kids seem to be doing ok, but I worry about my wife. Like most people, K needs stability. That hasn’t existied in the past few months. You add the holidays, well lets just say it’s been real fun. These are the times when you’re just have to have faith that things will turn out ok. Life has very few guarantees. One of the few constants is that there will always be trials in life. Whether they are big or little, how you deal with them shapes your family’s perception of you. I just hope that some day, regardless of my faults, my family will see me a man who did his best to take care of them.

Back again!

2004-11-30T15:00:00.000-06:00

Well I’m finally back at “The Distance”. I have posted a couple pages from my journal just to let you know how things went.

I was going to get you all a t-shirt, but I couldn’t remember the exact sizes.

Anyway I hope everyone had a safe holiday, and had as much fun as we did.

Big Fun!

2004-11-30T14:57:00.000-06:00

11/27/04

Big day on Saturday!

After leaving Branson, we drove to my brother–in-law’s farm, just north of the Missouri and Arkansas state line. They just bought the place and there is nothing growing on it but hay, and that was all cut a few weeks ago.

So, what can you do with about forty acres of land?

You go 4 wheeling’.

I spent the day riding a big 500cc Honda ATV.
The older girls took turns riding with myself and their cousins all over the property. And yes, I was safe, careful and went slow.

Of course once I had dropped the girls off, and was on my own, things were a little different.

Did I drive fast and reckless on rough terrain?

Yes!

Did I manage to get all four wheels off the ground, in the air, at the same time?

Absolutely, and repetedly!

Did I make a spectacle of my self?

At this point do you really need to ask?

I never made it to Bass Pro, but after the past few months it felt great to just cut loose.

"To the bat cave!"

2004-11-30T14:47:00.000-06:00

11/26/04
I’m sitting on a deck that overlooks more than a few miles of valley on the outskirts of Branson Mo. It’s a cool 48 degrees and a full moon hangs overhead veiled in thin clouds that move quickly across its light. Atop one of the distant hills, I can see a 10-15 story observation tower. It's draped in a curtain of lights all the way around, and is putting on a beautiful light show to Christmas music that sounds strangely haunting as it bounces off the hills around me.

Today has been a good day.

The first time a child experiences something new is a truly magical moment. I’m not taking about a new toy or movie, but something that makes the world a little bigger for them. Today my older daughters and I went to the local them park in Branson; Silver Dollar City.

K, Nana and Short Round went shopping.

The girls and I played games, and rode all the rides, but at the end of the day, all the girls wanted to talk about was their visit to Marvel Cave . Not a ride, but a massive natural cave beneath the park. Each day the park has several walking tours through the cave. The starting point is the Cathedral room. This vast area is 20 stories in height, and the circumference of a city block. Ten years ago they set a record by floating five full size hot air balloons in the chamber all at the same time. In all we walked half a mile and descended to over 500 feet below the surface, to the base of a huge underground waterfall. It was truly a world my girls never knew existed.

As a parent it seems I spend so much time getting on to my kids:
“Clean up your room!”
“Finish your homework.”
“Don't put your sister in the dryer!”

But experiences like today are the memories I hope they’ll hold in their hearts and keep with them.

Extreme Makeover 2004

2004-11-25T09:43:00.000-06:00

Other wises known as the twin’s seventh birthday party this past week. It was a big to-do at one of the local mega-malls at a place called Club Libby Lu’s. K, another mom and I, took eight little girls to this place where they all got to dress up, had their hair done (with rock star extensions) and have “big girl” make up applied in ample portions. Those of you with little girls will grow to know, and fear this place.

Yes nothing test your manhood like pulling a little tike wagon, filled with pink wrapped presents through a heavily crowded mall. Fortunately, there was a large cooler of fruit drinks I could throw up on my shoulder and carry part of the way in a somewhat manly fashion. Needless to say all the girls had a great time.

Today we are at the In-laws in Tulsa. In a few hours we will be making our way to Branson Mo. Yes, we will be spending Thanksgiving in the Hillbilly Holy Land. And, of course that means we are not to far form Springfield, Home of that modern marvel Bass Pro Shop. After spending the earlier part of the week floating in an estrogen ocean, that is exactly the boost I need.

Who’s your buddy?

2004-11-19T01:17:00.000-06:00

Who’s your buddy?

That was a question I use to ask the twins a lot when they were just learning to talk. Of course, the answer was always Daddy.

As they get older, I know that’s not always going to be the answer. I’m OK with that. Fact is, they turn seven in a month and have already been pushing the envelop and away from being Daddy’s little girls. They’re getting bigger, and developing there own wants, likes and opinions. With which some of, I won’t agree. And now that they are in First grade, there are so many more influence pulling them this way and that way. Some days it seems their entire energy is focused on pushing their limits with their mom and I.

Now don’t get me wrong, they are great kids. Several times in the just the past few months, when the family has gone out to eat, total strangers have come up to compliment how well our children were behaving in the restaurant. I believe that this is because; we have been truly blessed with wonderful children, and secondly, we have made it plain how we expect them to act in public. And how they should respect others and themselves. This doesn’t work 100% of the time (big surprise, huh?). But K and I try to be consistent in the expectations we have for our children.

Now, being consistent doesn’t always mean I’m their "buddy", but like I said, I’m OK with that. My job is to love them as a father, and that can get in the way of being a "best friend". I have to help them become the best person they can be, and to keep them from appearing on any Jerry Springer shows in the years to come.

I don’t think I really understood what it meant to be a father until my own Dad passed away seven months after the twins were born. I was at his side, holding his hand when he took his final breath. Whether we agreed or argued, he was always my dad. He was an unyielding, ever present force of nature for me. Even when his health was failing, his presence was so strong that my mind couldn’t process the concept of his potential absence.
Hours later, after he had passed away, I was sitting, holding one of my infant daughters. I finally understood that in her life, for better or worse, I would be that force of nature. I wouldn’t be the same kind of father I had known. But still, God willing, ever present watching over her and her sister in the fragility of life.

I will, and have been a lot of things to them; buddy, disciplinarian, teacher, protector, nurse, idiot, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, and yes, I’ll admit it, I’m the Tooth Fairy as well. All of these smaller roles make up one of the most important characters I will ever be.

Being a Dad.

T.M.I.

2004-11-18T01:20:00.000-06:00

OK, things have been more than a little hectic since my last post. That night, last Thursday, our two-year old starts throwing up in the middle of the night. K (my wife) and I spend the rest of the night switching out clean ups, and bath duties. The child had a really rough night. She went thorough three sets of pajamas. K and I dozed in brief spells on the couch and in a chair.

The next day, Friday, the pediatrician tells us that the child just had a 24-hour stomach bug, and it was very contagious. As we both had been thrown up on several times during the previous night, we pretty much knew what to expect next.

Yes! you guessed it; K started getting real sick Saturday afternoon. She stayed in bed the rest of the day and night, except for frequent and urgent trips to the bathroom.

No, wait it gets better!

Not wanting to succumb to adversity I did my best to carry out the weekend plans. Primary of these was to replace our two-year olds crib with a toddler bed. When we did this with the twins they did great.

Of course, now the little turkey is feeling much better, and decides to use this opportunity to be the freak'in NIGHTSTALKER. At 3 in the morning I hear this pacifier-muffled maniacal laughter, and the sound of all the books being pulled off her older sister’s bookshelf. I spent the rest of the night trying to get her to stay in bed, and in her room.

Sunday, K wakes up feeling a little better, at which point (without much sleep) I take her place in the bathroom, as now I have inherited the family stomach bug.

You can guess how I spent the rest of my day.

Monday after my miraculous recovery from near death, I retrieved the old baby gate from up in the attic. This pretty well limited the NIGHSTALKER’S access to other innocents in the house at night. Problem was, that night one of the twins got sick with the Bug. Another fun filled night for Mom and me.

The good news is, at this very moment nobody in my house is throwing up.

You gotta love being a parent!

*If nothing else, at least got to watch Shrek 2 and Finding Nemo, with my daughter Monday afternoon. That's gotta be worth something, Right?

Veterans Day

2004-11-11T13:48:00.000-06:00

It has been over a week since the political hoopla has ended, and today we observe a different kind of special day. Today is a day of solemn remembrance and prayers for those who have in the past, and today protect our freedom ,and us. Today we put the politics of war aside, and honor those who serve their country. We honor sons, daughters, husbands, wives, and parents, all of whom have put their personal lives on hold because their country needed them. Many never to return.

As you go about your daily routine, say a little prayer for those men and women who have answered their countries call to go into harms way. Forget the big buisness men. Forget the singers and actor activists. Forget the politics and politicians. Remember your neighbors who understand that our country can’t exist without those who are willing to give of themselves. Remember the solders of decades past that faced down true evil for the safety of generations to come. Remember all those who even now are fighting and dying, to protect us from terror.

To all those in the service of our country, our hearts and prayers are with you.

May we never forget your sacrifice.

Thank you!

Do you smell smoke?

2004-11-08T11:06:00.000-06:00

OK, we have been through redecorating the dining room.

And, I have been up to my armpits in insulation fixing the air conditioner.

Well, last week the lights in the laundry area were giving me attitude. Not the light bulbs mind you, but the actual light fixture. How do I know this you may ask, well every time we turned on the switch there was a loud electrical crack and the breaker poped off power to a quarter of the house. (Just a little hint, huh!)

To be safe I had an electrition take a look at it to make sure it wasn’t the house wiring. He said he could fix it for just three million dollars, which was just an estimate. (could be more once he got in there).

Of course you and I know this could mean only one course of action.

A trip to Lowes.

The replacement fixture and glass globe were under $14.00, but what concerned me was connecting the right wires. In a house there is no red wire for hot and black wire for ground. Both wires are black. When I asked my helpful Lowes associate, he suggested I grab both wires with the breaker on and see which one gave a shock. … Yeah, right!

I asked if I needed to be standing in an aluminum tub knee deep in water, just to make sure.

He quickly led me to nice little voltmeter that would identify the hot wire, but without all the pain of my first option. (Cost three-bucks.)

I am happy to say we now have light in the laundry area. Once I found the right wire, I turned off the breaker, connected the wires and screwed the new fixture into place. In all it took twenty minutes and cost under $17.00. In all I saved $2,999,983.00. (That’s just an estimate.)

One word of advice never put a 100-watt bulb in a 60-watt fixture. Even if you wife tells you she needs it to be brighter, DON’T DO IT!

Hang in there

2004-11-06T01:22:00.000-06:00

This is a little unusual for me. This post is actually an extended comment to something written on another site; (Kiki Takes On Life.)

I read this post earlier, but I haven't been at my computer as much lately, so I apologize for not addressing this sooner. Also, I really needed to take time to write this comment.

And, I do feel a need to say something. I was touched by your words, Kiki. As a Father it is heartbreaking to think about any child suffering abuse. There is no excuse for anybody to bring harm to a child. After all, the wounds of childhood are always the lasts to heal, and we carry the scars with us always. Now, while I would never wish hardship on anyone; I do believe that the struggles we face play a major part in who we are. How we react to these challenges defines our character, for good or bad.

I mean this with all sincerity when I say; please don’t worry that the only people you can relate to are those who like yourself have suffered abuse. However I urge you to be cautious because too many times in life we set our own limitation. In my old education classes we called this a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe something for long enough, whether it is right or wrong, you can make it your reality.

I know I’m standing out here in left field, only knowing you by what I read in your blog, but I would like to make an untrained observation from the heart. I really believe that it is not tragedy that connects or draws you to these people. It is rather the strength of survivorship. The connection you feel with these others might be the depth of character shared by those who have had to deal with suffering, or the harsh challenges of life. The very fact that you continue to live and thrive beyond your own scars of abuse proves you have a strength that many others pray for.

There will always be the fortunate few who have not had to deal with the horrors that life can throw at them. I find, however, that as we get older, it becomes increasingly harder to duck the struggles of this world. There will be illness, hardship, and death. No one is immune. It is how we deal with these forces of nature that will shape our character. The more we can overcome, the more we can bend in the wind, the more we understand what is truly important to us, then, we may find a strength and determination we never knew we had.

I apologize if it appears I’ve stuck my nose where it doesn’t belong, my words are not intended to offend, but rather let you know you're not alone. Whether you ever know it or not, your words will serve as an inspiration to someone out there. It is as you once told me; "this is the nature of the blogging community".

Always keep the Faith!

BOO!

2004-11-01T01:45:00.000-06:00

Well we've survived another Halloween.

Of course for us Halloween wasn’t just a one-night celebration. We have been at it all weekend. Friday night, merchants at the local Mall were handing out candy.

We hit every store!

Saturday night our church had their Fall Festival. There were a lot of games and activities for all the kids, and lots of candy to be given away. Afterwards some of our friends took us to their church, which was having a "Trunk or Treat". That's where everyone gathers in the church parking lot pops the trunk of their van or SUV, and you guessed it, passes out free candy! The idea is to make it safer for the kids to trick or treat with out going to strange houses.

Now by the end of Saturday night you can imagine we have a pretty big cache of candy at our house, and that is not counting what we have bought just to give out on Halloween.

Tonight was the icing on the cake. With empty pumpkins and a solid purpose, the rock star, the princess, the ladybug, and myself were unleashed upon our unsuspecting neighborhood. After a profitable round in the edition, we left the lady bug at home with Mom ,and the twins and I hooked up with five other kids for an all out candy raid in another nearby housing edition.

It was great!

One house had turned their garage in to a decent Haunted House. The girls and I had a blast! And we got to do it all just before the heavy rain started.

Of course, after all the activities of the weekend everyone is exhausted. As usual I’m the only one still awake. Now, the only way I’m still awake is from consuming a highly dangerous combination of Butterfinger, Reese’s Peanut butter cups, Snickers, and lots of Hot Tamales mixed with Smarties. Washing it all down with Dr. Pepper.

I need to finish writing though, as I feel a Diabetic Comma coming on.

I hope you all had a great Halloween.

P.S. my kid’s dentist is paying a Dollar for every pound of candy you bring in. So far I think I have enough left over to purchase a new DVD player. Yeah!

Letter to the Management

2004-10-26T01:02:00.000-05:00

I need to talk to someone regarding this Fall thing.
You know, autumn.

Leaves’ turning bright colors, chill in the air, a little morning frost on the car windshield.

Yeah! My question is; Where is all that crap?

It’s 80 degrees and humid! I’m still mowing my lawn and battling mosquitoes and fire ants.

Give me a break! Harold Taft would never let a thing like this happen.
Yes, I have lived in North Texas all my life, and I know what the weather is like here.

But I can still complain about it!

2004-10-22T01:12:00.000-05:00

Honey Do's

Man it has been busy around here. I've had no time to post. We are having family coming in this weekend for Short Round's second birthday. Her party will be on Saturday. Everyone will be there, Nanas, Papaws, and Aunts, OH MY!

I've been busy working in the yard, and cleaning the garage. We have a two-car garage; however, we also have a lot of crap. The good news is I can now get at least one vehicle in, and close the garage door. The bad news is, you don't want to even look in my attic. I fear that at least 1/3 of my accumulated life's debris could come crashing down on my family at any time.

I also have been finishing up on some redecorating in my dining room. I had the bright idea of painting vertical stripes, about a foot in width all the way around the room. I use a base coat of a rich gold, and a deeper shade of the same color for the stripe. It was pretty simple; I used 12 inch masking paper, and taped it down the wall with that blue masking tape. I then just rolled the exposed wall area. The tricky part was making sure the tape was perfectly straight. Once I was finished rolling and cutting in the baseboards and ceiling, I just took the paper off, and there were my stripes. Next, I put up a matching boarder all the way around the dining room.

As you can see in the picture above, not a bad job for an amateur.

My wife likes it so much, she is already dreaming up new projects to keep me busy. Personally I'd settle for a nap.

Now, all is ready, let the party begin.

Chocolate cake anyone?

You learn something new every day.

2004-10-15T01:31:00.000-05:00

Fiberglass.

It is truly amazing how many uses we have for fiberglass. It can be use to make tools, boats, and doors. Nearly all heating and cooling conduits in most homes use it as a middle insulation layer.

Yes, fiberglass is everywhere.

In fact, after spending the day working with the previously mentioned conduits I’m finding fiberglass everywhere, in my hair, on my arms, in my face, and various other areas on my person that no glass fibrous material should ever reach;

EVER!

I suppose it was worth it though. As it turns out the return air conduit in the attic had collapsed, blocking air circulation throughout the house. I was able to replace the collapsed section of conduit, and now the AC runs like new.

Everything is great, itchy, but great.

I was thinking that this little homeowner "emergency" was actually good for my morale. It places my focus on situations I can have some control over. That’s a good thing.

If you are familiar with the singer Bob Seger, (and everyone should be ) you may remember his song "Little Victories". Some of the verses stick with me.

"As you step out in the night take a lesson from the trees.
Watch the way they learn to bend with each breeze.
Little victories.
Everytime you make it through
It's another little victory
Day by day minute by minute
Little victories"

STILL, keeping the faith.

Just trying to keep up!

2004-10-13T23:41:00.000-05:00

These are busy times. You might think my unemployed butt would have plenty of time to get everything done, but I have to admit my time management skills have gone down the toilet. I miss my job. And, I really miss the ability to delegate. I mean, a two-year-old doesn’t take direction worth crap.

Now, I may not be working, but my kids have provided more than enough activities for all of us. In the past couple of weeks we have been in a parade, (Here in Texas, a pickup pulling a flatbed trailer doubles as a parade float. Especially when you put 34 first and second grade cheerleaders on it.) A few days later my girls were performing at the Varsity High school pep rally. That’s the big time for a couple of six-year -olds.

I’ve been doing the eternal job hunt. I spend late nights on the job boards, and calling various companies during the day. I do have one lead that may be strong.

I said may!

I’m not saying anything about it until things progress further. I’m tired of getting my hopes up.

I have been doing a little work for a friend who has an auto tint buisness. It is just one day a week, but it gets me out of the house and provides a little extra income. Of course we all know, there is no such thing as extra income. Today the air conditioner in my home started giving me problems. And we know how inexpensive those are to fix! (Cough, cough, hack, choke!)

I think I need to get some advice on home appliance repair from AHD. Maybe while conquering the dryer he found a good air conditioner repair site.

Of course, there is always the chance I could cause more damage than I can fix…NAH!

What me worry about expensive repair costs?

Just remember, you have to actually have money to worry about it.

Let's all just click our heels together three times and say, " There’s no place like Lowes." "There’s no place like Lowes."

I'm so conflicted!

2004-10-08T01:56:00.000-05:00

Well, what do you know. My kids were right.

Oh! I guess my wife was right too.

Thanks a lot Kiki !

Like I didn't have issues before!

The Mirror

2004-10-08T01:24:00.000-05:00

This week has really had a lot of ups and downs. The past few days I’ve been a little introspective. I’ve been thinking about something that I wrote a few months ago:

"In any hardship, or struggle, there can come a time when frustration and pride will lead you to seek other tangible targets. This turns out to be those nearest to you. It's in a man's nature to fix things. We want to find the root of the trouble. And, when you’re weighed down with frustration and self-doubt, the mirror is a tough place to face. You tend to look elsewhere.

At some point, you just know that everyone has contributed to your downfall. Your ex-boss for throwing you under the bus. Your co-workers for not standing up for you. Your wife for not "understanding the stress" you’re going through. Your kids, who don't understand that you just, need to focus on feeling sorry for yourself.

Are you any closer to the mirror?

Am I?

The events that caused your struggle may, or may not have been your fault. But every action you take after the incident is your responsibility. True, there can be many outside forces pulling at you, but your choices in how you handle these influences are yours alone.

My advice to myself and to anyone that might be interested, is take control of the things you can control. Your anger, self-doubt, and frustrations are all yours. That is something you can control. No matter how hard you will it, you can't control the emotions of others. This includes family, spouse, and children.

Remember that they are in this with you. They have fears and concerns of their own. They are watching how you deal with this struggle, and they will react as you react. It's one of the laws of physics; every action has a reaction. You must keep this in mind. Of course this means added stress, but that can also be an important part in getting your focus back on track. Be proactive not reactive."

I haven’t been able to look that guy in the Mirror a whole lot lately. The same old demons keep popping up. I get all excited about a posible way out of this whole situation, only to have it blow up in my face.

It get tough at times.

But I’m still trying.

I promise to use my powers for good!

2004-10-04T01:06:00.000-05:00

You won’t believe what I did Friday.

Go ahead, guess!

No, that’s not it.

OK, I’ll spill it, but first let me tell you that there are very few that reach positions of truly great power. There are CEOs, and heads of state, presidents and potentates. On Friday I briefly joined the ranks of the truly powerful. Yes, I was a Substitutes Gym Teacher. (No autographs please). Armed with a full rack of basketballs, and a regulation coach’s whistle I organized group calisthenics, and oversaw multiple games of "Elimination".

By the way, the whistle DOES WORK!

One good blast and you have total silence from fifty noisy forth graders for at least five seconds. So you better work quick. Anyway, all kidding aside it felt kind of good to be back in a school setting. The kids really crack me up. It reminded my why I wanted to go into teaching all those years ago.

After loosing my job I applied for teaching positions with several nearby school districts, but it was too late in the summer, and the positions I’m certified in were already filled. (Yes, a decade ago I was going to be an English Teacher) I’m certified in Secondary English. Way back when I went through the system, in Texas, when you got your certification it was for life. You didn’t have to recertify like you do now.

Last week I received a call from one of the nearby small town intermediate schools asking if I would substitute. I had filled out an application after my last lay off prior to this one. But last week, out of the blue they gave me a call. There I was, after more than ten years, in front of a class again. It was exciting and terrifying all at one time.

Who know what this all may turn into. Maybe nothing, but in the past few months I find myself looking for positives in whatever situation I encounter.

"The tide is high and I'm hanging on"

2004-09-28T13:35:00.000-05:00

OK,

In an effort to lighten my mood I have compiled a list good things as a result of my "time off":

I’ve become a better cook. (You may call me Captain Casserole!)

I get to take my kids to school most days, and hear how their day went when they get home.

I’ve learned to turn the water completely off, in the bathroom sink when soaking my daughter’s swimsuits. (That particular sink doesn’t have an overflow drain.)

I’ve learned that a leaf blower can quickly dry up minor flooding caused by previously mentioned sink, thereby hiding most of the evidence of my stupidity before my wife gets home.

Reruns of "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA" on the Sci Fi network.

This blog, and the outlet it provides.

Coupons actually do save money!

My youngest daughter hugs me a lot more.

I’ll think of a few more later.

Low Tide

2004-09-28T11:16:00.000-05:00

It was a pretty quite weekend. Monday was very low key. My wife has been pretty quite. The whole family has been very quite.

Families have ups and downs.

My whole jobless situation has put us on top of a BIG rollercoaster with one long dip. I spend my days, and nights looking online, calling old contacts, reading classifieds, but nothing seems to pan out. I'm not one for big lavish dreams, I'm not looking for the big income. I just want to take care of my family. I want to provide stability for them. Instead, in the past few years I've shown the special ability find jobs that will soon have unexpected layoffs. My wife is right when she says, "most people our age are moving up, we just seem to be slipping backwards." If there is a lesson in humility in all this I think I learned it a long time ago.

I know,
I pray,
I believe, we will come out of this. I just hope we can do it as a stronger family.

Still...
keeping the faith.

Discretion is the better part of procrastination.

2004-09-24T01:10:00.000-05:00

I am in really big trouble here.

Some time ago I accidentally busted out he taillight to our Windstar van with a lawnmower.

Yes a lawnmower! You see I was lifting up the mower to put it in the back of the van, and when I turned to put it in, well, I hit the taillight and cracked the glass. I have had red tape on it ever since.

When I called the dealership to have it fixed I was told it would be a couple of hundred dollars. Now, those who know me, know my cheapness has no limits, so I vowed to fix it myself. Unfortunately, the broken tail light looked too tough to take off.

Well, now it is much later, and my vehicle inspection on the van is due the first of October. I picked up the part at a local dealership today, and was able to replace to whole taillight in just under 6 minutes.

This is bad, real bad!

If you’ve been married anytime at all, you know where I’m going.

If I admit to my wife that I’ve put off a project for so very, very long ; that could have been done in just six minutes I will never hear the end of it. I mean, how was I to know the only things holding it on were two screws and six years of road grime.

Faced with such a dilemma, I did the only thing I could have done. I puttered around in the garage an additional hour and 20 minutes to draw out the task. Then I invited her into the garage to show her how I "saved our family" $130.00 by fixing it myself. Of course, I spent great detail on how difficult the old taillight was to remove.

I don’t think she bought it.
She is a lot smarter than I am after all.

Hey, at least it's fixed.

Why I keep the faith

2004-09-21T10:23:00.000-05:00

There is one issue I have flirted with in my postings, but never really opened up about. That is religion. I’ve visited some really good sites posted by ministers, churches, and those trying to reach out and share their faith with others. I admire their dedication. I’ve been a member of the church all my life. My background; or I should say my Father’s faith was very Conservative Christian. Over the years my beliefs have become more progressive than his’. At this point in my life I can’t say that my faith is the only one that counts. There are too many good people that go to different churches than I do. I’ve seen the amazing things they have done in the name of their faith, and I have been humbled.

I wish that I had the fervor to evangelize, or the selflessness to spend more time with those in need. It seems that these days it takes everything I’ve got just to be a decent human being. I keep thinking if I spent more time helping others, God would see me through hardships, but with job layoffs in recent years my focus has been seeing my own family through troubled times. In some ways that still sounds like a big excuse. I guess that is where faith comes in. I know there are other families that have far worse trials to deal with. I know that God is with my family, and He does hear my prayers. I just may not get the answers I want, or when I want them.

I can’t crank out a post and testify how God answered all my needs, or how he made everything better. I can’t because I’m in the middle of it all right now. I do think he is helping me become a man of faith, and I do believe my family is not in this alone right now. I still have a lot of pride to deal with, and I screw up a lot, but I’m working on that.

In the end, everything we have, everything we can earn, or hold can still be taken away. It is our hope that always stays with us.
It is the belief in Gods unseen benevolence and love, during hardship.

It’s keeping the faith.

P.S.
I didn't meant to turn anyone off, it's just how I work through things.

What goes up.........

2004-09-19T07:41:00.000-05:00

This past Friday night was one of those precious, truly great nights. It was on of those occasions when a dad supprises himself as well as those around him.

We had planned a big night out. My in-laws were in town for Grandparents day at my older girl’s elementary school, and Nana and Papaw were taking everyone out to any exotic restaurant we desired. Being the worldly conisuries we are there was but one choice. The Purple Cow. So it was off to Plano. We had never been to this resturant, but years of PBS watching had told us they were big supporters of the arts, such as Barney, Arthur, and the Teletubies.
I can personally testify that it was a wise decision. May I recommend their bacon cheeseburger, Onion rings, and TRIPPLE TREAT CHOCOLATE SHAKE. Oh, I did have an ice water with lemon, (just for balance.)

On the way back home we took Nana and Papaw by one of the greatest achievements of mankind, the StoneBriar Mall in Frisco. Once inside, naturally we split up. Mom and Nana took "short round" to look at girly stuff and Papaw and I took the older girls to check out Galyans sports. Now it wasn’t a Bass Pro, but it was still very nice. The best part was a 48-foot rock-climbing wall. Being a Friday night there were a few people trying it out. Most were young, slim and knew what they were doing. This particular wall had three climbing paths, beginner, intermediate, and "you’ve got to be @*#% kidding me".

After watching a few kids climb the beginner side, the girls wanted to try. I could tell it was safe and well supervise so I let them do it. I’m a good dad that way. I am proud to say they both climbed higher than I expected, about 10 to 15 feet. They both got a big round of applause from Papaw and me. Of course afterwards that’s when it started,
"Daddy, are you going to try?"
"No, dear there are too many in line"
"Daddy, I only see two people."
A little while later Mom and Nana showed up pushing "short round" in the stroller. They were exited to hear about the "Big girls’ climb. Then My dear sweet wife pops off, "so are you going to try it?" What was else could I do. My honor and my status of cool dad were at stake here. After all, in a few years my kids will be paying me not to try stuff like this and embarrass them.
As I was putting on the harness my wife and love of my life calls out, "be sure they don’t have a weight limit."

Ha, Ha.

Very funny.

(The guy helping me quietly assured me the rope would hold up to 900lbs, so I was just under.)

So, harness on, I start hauling my out of shape, 38 year old, 220 pound butt up the intermediate side of this 48 foot wall, all for the admiration of my kids and the amusement of the crowd that had gathered to see the spectacle. I did really good the first 15 feet, then I started to notice a little thing called gravity, and how it preferred I get back down. At about 30 feet my arms and thighs were burning like they were on fire, but I kept on climbing. In all I made it with in about 6 or 7 feet from the top when my fingers and fore arms completely gave out causing me to slip and almost lose my footing. At that point it occurred to me that anyone in my condition should not have loaded up on meat, dairy, and fried foods just an hour before attempting such a feat. It killed me to be so close and not make it, but I did my best to uphold to image of full figured fathers everywhere.

As I repelled down the wall I could hear the applause from below, it was mostly my family and those draw to watch such an oddity, but loudest of all I could hear my girls clapping for me and yelling "yea daddy!" Even my wife was proud. That made it all worth while. Another upside is now the girls and I have something to shoot for. I know it may sound silly but, if I had made it all the way to the top on the first try that would have been the end of it. Now, I have a new challenge with which to develop an unhealthy obsession.

Keep the faith.

Success!

2004-09-17T14:03:00.000-05:00

Score another point for the HTML impaired. With the help of Blogger support I have figured out to add links to my Blog. I know it’s not too impressive to most, but I’m proud!

I've been wanting to do that for awhile now, cause I'm too lazy to type in the address of sites I like, and my favorites are all full of job leads. If you guys don’t want me to link to your site let me know, and I’ll take it off.
(At least I think I know how to do that.)

Otherwise, I’ve been too busy to do much of anything else this week except to focus on the big job search. Nothing is concrete yet, but I’m working on it.

I passed all of the qualifying tests at the big telecom company; now it’s just a matter if they have a position for me now. All the big tech shake ups of late have everyone nervous (exp. EDS)

Keepin’ the faith, (cause we ain’t got much else!)

And now, the blood test.

2004-09-13T14:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, it has been a wild few days. I had an interview with a big telecom company on Friday. I use the term "interview" loosely. It was more like six hours of testing. They tested everything:

Spelling
Math (Come on, DIVIDING FRACTIONS, I haven’t done that in 20 years!)
Reading comprehension
Number series
Spatial perception
On and on and on……….

After all that I was told to come back today for the "structured interview.

I really don’t know if I have a shot or not. There were quite a few others interviewing today and tomorrow. They were younger and probably didn’t have house payments.

And, yes, I know nothing screams "job security" like the telecom industry, but "beggars can’t be choosers", and unemployment doesn’t last forever.

I’m not getting my hopes up too high. I did my best, and it's in other hands now.

I should know on Wednesday

Until then,
Keep the faith.

My new Resume Cover Letter

2004-09-07T09:20:00.000-05:00

I was surfing one of the major Job boards last night, and came across a position posting that I had applied for last month. It seems that it is still open.

Well, I figured I had nothing to lose, so I reapplied for the position. However, this time I changed my cover letter just a little. And, since I was ignored the first time, I decided to forgo the political correctness, and cut straight to the chase.

Let me know what you think....

Hire me!

You want to know why I'm a great fit for this position?

I've successfully done this same job at _______ Insurance Co. During that time four of the five agents my office supported made Presidents club their first full year of operation. The reason the forth agent didn't make it, was that he would rather spend his time playing golf instead of doing his job.

He is not with the company anymore!

You want to know what motivates me?

I've got three daughters that can outgrow clothes faster than I can buy them.
Yes, I am looking for a job that challenges me.
Yes, I am looking to be an important part of a successful team.

These are important factors my job performance, but when the rubber meets the road, I've got a family to take care of. And, I will work my tail off for a company that offers me stability in an environment where I won't have to face a lay off with in a year or two.

Call me regarding this position.

So what do you think?

To quote the great actor, Roddy Piper, in the classic John Carpenter movie, THEY LIVE;

"I am here to chew bubble gum and kick @$$, and I'm all out of bubble gum."

Keeping the faith....... (one way or another.)

Cold Water

2004-09-05T01:28:00.000-05:00

There are times when I can deal with this unemployment situation pretty well. Then there are times I don't. Lately, during those darker times I find myself here, trying to put it all down, then stepping back and attempting to figure it all out. Tonight's one of those nights.

I could tell something was bothering my six year old daughter tonight just before bedtime. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Later, my wife told me that the child had asked her "When will daddy get a job?" She told her mom she was worried about losing her home, or having to move. My wife and I have not discussed this possibility in front of the children. I can only assume that she thought of this herself. She's pretty smart.

A six year old shouldn't have to worry about things like that. How do I reassure her? How do I explain the economy to her? How do I explain the importance of family health insurance? How can I show her the hundreds of resumes I've sent out, or positions I've applied for.

How can I give her back a sense of security?

I know there are worse things that can happen. We have been blessed in so many ways, not the least with family, and good health. I know that in the morning I'll have my head up. I'll put on a positive front, and try to dispel everyone's fears. You focus on one day at a time, and tomorrow will be a good day. In the mean time I won't be sleeping tonight. Too much running through my head.

Keeping the faith is sometime harder than others.

OK! I'M OLD........NOW WHAT?

2004-09-04T01:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure when it happened. But, I'm positive my kids had something to do with it.
I use to be cool.
I use to be thin. (Well, thinner.)
I use to be able to hold conversations on a semi-adult level.

I could of been a contender!

Now it's all gone. Hard rock has been replace with Radio Disney. The fast red car, is now a Minivan.

Heck, AMC has teen slasher movie on tonight.

Not interested. (Now if it were a Godzilla marathon, then, I'm up all night.)

Another big problem I have is that somewhere over the past few years I started watching the news. People with kids shouldn't watch the news.

OK, maybe just the weather and sports, but that's it.

You see, I never had a real sense of mortality, until the first time I held my newborn daughters. Up until that point life had been a series of event. Some great and wonderful, others merely a process of going from point A to point B. But from the second I held those tiny baby girls, I realized how much responsibility God had given me. I suddenly became aware of every boogie man that roamed the earth, real or imagined.

Today I've been reading the reports on the tragedy in Russia. Hundreds of children taken hostage, hundreds killed. I'm sure there will be those who will say that all this death was politically motivated. I'm not sure I'm smart enough to rationalize it that way. I can only see evil. What makes this evil so bad is that it can rationalize killing innocence.

See, I told you it was my kids fault.

I know the odds are that nothing will happen to my kids. But, someone's child is out there hurting, and that doesn't make it any better. So, gone are the days of my sitting down to enjoy a good teen slasher movie.

That's just me. I'm old and weird. I wonder if the girls want to watch "Ella Enchanted" again.

Hey, don't laugh. How can you argue with a 30 foot Hedi Klum?

Not me!

Keep the faith.

EUREKA!

2004-08-31T23:43:00.000-05:00

At long last, one of my dreams has come true.
It has been there all this time, just with in my grasp, but always eluding me. Teasing me, taunting me, but now I have it. My precious, my precious…...Oh, sorry. I kind of lost it there for a sec. I’m better now. Maybe I should explain.

My twins have reached the age where their baby teeth are dropping out like Chiclets in a vending machine. But one of the girls has had a tooth that has been loose forever. As time went by, it became so loose you could see it flapping every time she talked. You could even see the permanent tooth coming in behind the loose one. Still the tooth refused to come out. It was driving me nuts.

Finally, with her permission, we wrapped that floppy tooth in gauze, and I gave a tremendous pull. Actually I just had to pull a little, and it popped out. She didn’t know it had come out until I showed her. Needless to say there was much rejoicing, because as we all know, the Tooth Fairy rides tonight.

P.S.
A really great link is http://www.athomedaddy.blogspot.com/
He has a funny and healthy outlook on the stay at home dad gig.

2004-08-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

I had planned a really cute post all about taking my family to the county fair last Monday night. I had planned on spending a lot of work on description, and tone. I wanted to make it a funny, and lively piece. However, at this point in the week and day, I realize I have neither the time, nor the skill to write what I want, so I'll save it for another day.

I did have my interview on Monday. The position sounds great, and I might take it if offered, but I'm not sure they will make me an offer. One big concern I do have is the available benefits through this job.

Because they are a small company the employee's cost of health insurance will be through the roof. I'll still have to find a second job just to pay for insurance. Seriously, health insurance for a family can take $500.00 a month out of you check.

This is just one of the many fun aspects to looking for a job. Just because you get a certain salary, doesn't mean that it's all take home pay. Like I said, health insurance cost can bring that salary down considerably.
If you ever find yourself in this position make sure the HR dept gives you an estimate on what health insurance will cost. They should be able to do that for you without any problem. If they won't; you probably can't afford to work there.

Today, has been quite, and that is not all together a good thing. Once I get most of my Mr. Mom chores done, and do my internet job searches; I'm left with time to reflect on, if I'm really doing enough. If you haven't notice by now, I hate waiting for some one to call for an interview. So I have returned to the "The Distance" at least until my kids get in from school. At that time, I resume my other vocation, cat herder.

Keeping the faith.

Persistence

2004-08-20T09:41:00.000-05:00

I was surprised to see I had my first comment, ever, on my last post. It was a pleasant surprise, and I really appreciate the kind words; they reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.

Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.

Genius will not; unrewarding genius is almost a proverb.

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.

Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent"

-Calvin Coolidge-

When I started this strange process I wasn't really sure where it would take me. I thought it might be a way I could record my thoughts and ideas as I deal with various issues in my life. I have to admit, this is a very public way to deal with private struggles. In some of the blogs I have read, there are those who have laid open their souls for the world to take notice. I guess that is why most of us are here, why we write.

We have families, friends, and associates we spend time with. But, there is this silent powerful voice that never quite goes away. It needs to be let out, whether in the privacy of a journal hidden under the bed, or the public exhibition of an internet posting. It can say things our mouth can't. It can tell us things about our selves we never knew, or believed possible. More than anything else, I guess, that last part is why I keep writing on this page.

Keeping the faith.

A Ray of Hope

2004-08-19T16:28:00.000-05:00

I spend so many hours at this computer hunting through job boards, sifting through endless job postings. Everything I send out seems to be lost in an all consuming void. It swallows my resumes, coverletters, and most of my morale. Like I have said before, this process is the electronic equivalent of banging my head against a brick wall. It feeds frustration and self doubt. Not the kind of stuff that makes looking for a new job a real pleasure.

But, today I did get a call for an interview. I know better than to get my hopes up. This could lead to nothing. Yet, if nothing else, I know some one has gotten my resume, and wants to talk to me. Regardless of the interview's outcome it gives me a well needed boost. More importantly it may give my family a needed lift in their spirits.

If nothing else it will give me some interviewing experience.

Keeping the faith.

Back to school

2004-08-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

My kids went back to school this week. It is going to be a big adjustment without them around. Of course maybe I can stop playing ref so much, and spend more time looking for a real job.

I don't worry too much about them, they love school, and do well there. Must get that from their Mom.

Oh well, another day, another............

You know the rest.

Decisions, Decisions

2004-08-18T10:04:00.000-05:00

I've been doing alot of thinking about bad decisions lately. What I've come up with is that whether a decision is "bad" greatly depends upon perspective. And perspective depends upon time and evolution of the consequences from the decision. As time passes a decision can change from bad to good to caca all over again.

One of the things I've been battling is hindsight. If I had just done this, or if I had not done that, my life would have been different. The truth is you never know what will happen.

I read a book many years ago, about time travel. In the book the main characters go back in time to change events, however they had to keep trying again and again because one of the main themes in the story is that time resists change. I guess you have to lean toward the fate theory. Not that I believe that everything has been predetermined. If that is the case then why even get up in the morning. Heck, if the kids were destined to get to school on time then they'll find a way. They are six years old after all, it's time they learned some responsibility..., and how to drive a stick.

Seriously, I really can drive myself crazy second guessing everything I've done in the past ten years. Like I've said before what really counts is what I'm doing now. I think everything happens for a reason, even the bad things. It just may take time for it to all make sense.

Gotta be some kinda way outa here!

2004-08-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not an Idiot!

That's what I keep telling myself. I am a competent adult.

I'm a good father, who spends time with his kids.
I'm a good husband who helps my wife around the house; even cooking meals, and cleaning the kitchen afterwards.
I 've been an exceptional manager who has; developed new departments, exceeded sales goals, and trained many successful employees. I have even managed multiple offices across Texas.

All of these things I can show in the defense of my competency.
Problem is, I'm still losing the argument.

Dadhood is not about what I've already done, but rather what I'm doing right now. How will I insure the future security of my family? The worse part of this situation is, I can't see the light of day yet. I'm not trying to sound defeatist, but come on, give me a break here!

Nomatter what I may have accomplished in the past ,the present conflict can overshadow confidence. You find regular comparisons to those around you who appear more successful a real hazard to morale. These are the dangerous times when faith and self confidence are teetering. You find yourself walking a razor between frustration, and anger, with just a whisper of hope for balance.

I know I will find a job, but how long remains to be seen. I've sent out almost two hundred solid resumes with little response. A positive attitude has to be maintained. The strong front must be kept up. For now, faith in God has got to get us through.

For the family.

What does this week hold?

2004-08-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

It is the last few minutes of Sunday. I tend to look at Mondays with a mix of apprehension, and hope. The coming of a new week offers the possibility of a new job, or another week of dead ends.

I plan to change my strategy this week.

Years ago, when I graduated college I had the intention of going into teaching. I got my teaching certificate and everything, (at that time in Texas, your certificate was valid for life.) Life, led me in other directions, but now I find myself wandering, or is it wondering, along that path again.

I wanted to be a teacher to make a difference, not just because I needed a job. Now, at this point in my life; I need a job.

Maybe this is the job I need to make a difference in my own life.

Of course no guarantee I'll even get a teaching position this late in the year. Need to try though.

I'll greet the new week with hope, and a prayer.

Another Day

2004-07-29T12:50:00.000-05:00

I know that has to be the most boring title in history. But, I need to write and I can't think of anything creative. Big surprise.

It has been a very quite week. I've been at my usual employment search with about the same results as the past two months. I know something will break through. I'm just having trouble keeping my positive thoughts about me. I originally started this online journal to record my thoughts and insights while I'm on this bumpy ride. I also wanted to flex any writing muscles I may have left. My hope is to use it to deal with my current issues, and as a form to look back on later, to see where I was, and how I dealt with things during this time. For good, or ill maybe it will help me to keep from making the same mistakes in the future.

As I said it has been a very quite week. Every evening my wife and my two oldest children have been to a cheerleading camp. This gives me roughly from 5:30 pm to 9:30 pm alone with our twenty one month old. Of course, most of that time is spent chasing this small Indiana Jones through out the house, dodging wet diapers, and razor sharp Barbie furniture.

She has only made it to the top of the china hutch once.

It is at times like that when you truly realize how much your children keep each other occupied.

A big round of applause goes to my wife. She has working more or less full time. In addition to that her nights are filled trying to put this cheerleading thing together. And ,to top it all off she has to deal with me. Bless her heart. She has been keeping this family going through thick and thin. Here lately it has been thin.

I suppose that in the midst of all that is going on, there is one thing I am thankful for. I have been able to spend so much more time with my children this summer. Maybe that was God's big plan. I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I have to tell them for the 400 th time, to clean up their room, and put up their clothes.

Humility would be the other lesson I guess I'm suppose to learn. I would think I had that down by now, but that's the point.

Old Haunts, and Familiar Shade

2004-07-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I found myself back at my old college campus. It's a funny thing; you never know were life will take you, until you've looked back at where you've been.

So far July in Texas has been as hot and dry, as June was wet and soggy.  I could feel every bit of that 95 degree day beating down on me.   As I made my way off the extended "Visitors" parking area, and nearing the Campus library, I could feel the familiar shade of trees and buildings I hadn't seen in more than a decade. Over the years new construction had been built, but all of "my buildings" were just where I had left them.

My business in the registrars office, located the basement of the Library, took only a few minutes. Left with an hour to kill I took a slow walk to the Arts and Humanities building where I spent most of my college hours.  Looking back, if I had been smart, I would have been a accountant, or a business major. But, if you've read any of my posting you already know the key word in that statement is "if". I just had to be a lit major. With all the trapping of fame and fortune it has brought me.

The feel of that old A & H building, as I walked it's hall, made me ache for a way to go back in time. To a place were the future was full of infinite possibilities. Every hallway, classroom, and alcove were saturated with forgotten memories. I could feel them as if I were walking through an early morning mist. They clung to me so tightly that all I had to do was close my eyes and just know that no time had passed, and I was about to be late for Dr. Kratz's class on Western Literary Traditions. For a few fleeting minutes the weight of my small world was lifted, and I could enjoy memories of a time that I never really could appreciate with out the distance of a decade. I left that day with some great rediscovered memories, and the confirmed knowledge that I would have made a terrible accountant.

One bit of good news I learned in my visit; was that my favorite professor is now the Dean of the A&H department.   He was a fantastic teacher with the ability to transform dry books into epic tales that challenged the imagination, and opened the mind. I don't think you could call me his most successful student , but he did help me to see literature in a deeper way. It was through him that I learned the importance of a really good story.

Thanks Dr. K.

      ( I bet you don't remember Odessa Smith!)

THE BLAME GAME (or, an open letter to myself)

2004-07-19T00:02:00.000-05:00

In any hardship, or struggle, there can come a time when frustration and pride will lead you to seek other tangible targets. This turns out to be those nearest to you. It's in a man's nature to fix things. We want to find the root of the trouble. And, when your weighed down with frustration and self doubt, the mirror is a tough place to face. You tend to look elsewhere.

At some point, you just know that everyone has contributed to your downfall. Your ex-boss for throwing you under the bus. Your co-workers for not standing up for you. Your wife for not "understanding the stress" your going through. Your kids, who don't understand that you just need to focus on feeling sorry for yourself.

Are you any closer to the mirror?

Am I?

The events that caused your struggle may, or may not have been your fault. But every action you take after the incident is your responsibility. True, there can be many outside forces pulling at you , but your choices in how you handle these influences are yours alone.

My advice to myself, and to anyone who might be interested, is take control of the things you can control. Your anger, self doubt, and frustrations, are all yours. That is something you can control. No matter how hard you will it, you can't control the emotions of others. This includes family, spouse, and children.

Remember, they are in this with you. They have fears and concerns of their own. They are watching how you deal with this struggle, and they will react as you react. It's one of the law of physics; every action has a reaction. You must keep this in mind. Of course this means added stress, but that can also be an important part in getting your focus back on track. Be proactive not reactive.

My personal application is toward the loss of a job. I believe, though, this could be an important principal in dealing with any family crisis.

2004-07-18T00:25:00.000-05:00

Ready for a new week!

Trades

2004-07-15T22:23:00.000-05:00

You know whom I‘m really envious of?
The person who has made a career out of something they truly love.

Most of us make due. We settle. We trade our passion for a paycheck. And take comfort that the path we have taken will lead us to a level of security. We hope this will happen.

We become managers, salesmen, recruiters, or bankers convinced that it isn't what you do, as much as it provides security for your family. But what happens when departments downsize, companies lay off, and employees get throw under the bus to protect a senior manager's ego? You find yourself back in the job market trying desperately to regain that sense of security.

Around that time the old fantasies start nudging the surface. A futile hope is better than none at all. And, if it keeps you going until you find that next banking job then so be it. Still I close my eyes and dream of a content soul that freely pours out words, and stories, knowing my family is well provided for.

OK, my first three posts are all me moaning about my unemployment. Enough already. I'll lighten up. I promise.

The Great Escape

2004-07-15T13:20:00.000-05:00

Just another break from the great employment race. I am actually taking a small break today. Normally my internet job searching, also known as banging you head repeatedly on the monitor of hope, is done at home. I have a great computer there. I also have three children there. Every few minutes my concentration and focus are steered toward more globally important issues. Such as who wanted to play first with Barbie #76 out of 128. Or, how did the baby's toy get stuck in the toilet? More importantly, had it been flushed prior to your retrieval attempt?

I keep telling myself that Michael Keaton started this way, and see, he became BATMAN!

No, today I've made a trip to the local library. Here, if I give a kid a grouchy look because he's bugging me, he can go and tell someone else's wife. Not that I am in the habit of giving grouchy looks, but it's nice to know the option is there if I need it. The Library has nice fast connections and super Dell computers. I can bang my head..., I mean search for jobs in a quarter of the time it usually takes at home. This also gives me a little time to blow of some steam here on the keyboard.

To be serious for a second, I think I would be going nuts by now if I didn't have an outlet. Writing has always helped clear my mind. It lets me step back and put things into perspective. Taking out the mental trash of a cluttered mind.

Back to work. The Kids are going to need school clothes soon.

Watch out for that turn!

2004-07-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how quickly the years pass the older you get. I know that sounds pretty cliche, but the truth is usually obvious. Your high school years creep by. Your college years seem an eternity until you get that degree, and "get a real life". Once your out there, the job comes, and the family happens. Now if you were to use the Roller coaster analogy of life, this is the first big drop. The first twenty something years was just the waiting in line, the strapping in, and the long slow ascent to the place where the world will soon come rushing up at you. How you like roller coasters makes a big impact on how you handle the rest of the ride.

This time last year I would have loved to have a little extra time. Time to spend with my wife. Time to spend with my kids. Time to spend enjoying the ride. A recent job lay off though, has sent me spinning on a whole other track. This is not a ride I want my family to be on. Like most fathers, I have a need to provide for, and protect my family. The loss of a job is a direct challenge to that duty. I feel anger, panic, frustration, and confusion. But when you get down to what's really important, it's not about me, or what I feel. It's about what I'm going to do about it.

You can't get off the coaster. You can't panic because the ride took an unexpected turn. You handle the ups and downs as best as you can, because there are others looking to you for reassurance.

While the challenges of life are usually not planned, they have to be expected. I've got a family I love dearly. My children will watch how I deal with adversity. And whether I like it or not, I will set a pattern that they will follow as adults. I pray they see my character. I pray they overlook my faults. And most of all I pray they see my faith in God to see us through difficult times.